Trust

I haven't blogged for awhile as we are dealing with some major health problems with my youngest daughter who will require heart surgery next week.  During the last few months I've wallowed in despair as I've wondered 'what if the surgery doesn't go well?' or 'what if she gets a post-op infection?' 'what if this or what if that.....' and so on.  These thoughts have whirled around and around in my head spiraling my fear out of control and exhausting myself with sleepless nights.  Ultimately, my fear was rooted in the question, do I trust God?  For all of Emily's life, I have taken responsibility of caring for her needs and concerns but the realization of Emily's heart condition brings a sudden jolt to my way of living.  I was caught up short as I realised that I had up to this point, I had been guilty of paying a degree of lip service to God when I've said I've trusted Him. 

 I wish I could say I never doubted God's provision for my daughter or me but that's not true.  I've had many days where I've cried in fear of what could happen to Emily.  Fear paralysed me to even go to God.  I just sat in my worries, letting my worry feed my fear and take me further away from God, the one who could give me hope and peace in this situation.


God's word has been the rope that has pulled me out of this well of fear.  During my daily readings at this time I came across Deuteronomy chapter 31 and was deeply encouraged by the Lord's words to Joshua, the young man who was Moses' apprentice.  The time was drawing very near when Moses was to die and the Lord was preparing Joshua to become the next leader of Isreal who would carry them  across the Jordon River and claim the promised land that God was going to give them.  How did Joshua feel? I know I would be shaking thinking, "I can't fill those shoes", "this seems impossible"," I think you've made a mistake Lord".  But God's response to Joshua was, " The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you.  Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged."  (Deuteronomy 31:8)

Oh how I needed to hear those words echoed in my life right now.  These steady and purposeful words just cut through the paniced thoughts that were threatening to consume me.  God says that he has gone before us, and as I reflected over this whole situation, I am amazed at how smoothly all the appointments and processes have gone.

God says that he will never leave us nor forsake us:  One of my fears was I assumed that only I would be able to travel down with Emily to hospital and stay, meaning I would be seperated from my husband and other daughter during this time.  The sense of loneliness was overwhelming and terrifying.  But through God's gracious provision my husband will be with me and my other daughter will be with us also.  I will not be alone, in fact my family will be with me.  God has not abandon me or Emily.  In fact, God's provison of spealist care and medical attention drives me to praise God in thankfullness.   

Lastly, God commanded Joshua to not be afraid and to not be discouraged.  In other words, we are told to not focus our attention on our fears or causes of discouragement.  So where should we focus our attention?  Onto God as he is the author of peace. Jesus tells us the same in John 14,

"Do not let your hearts be troubled.  Trust in God; trust also in me. "  "Peace I leave with you; my peace I give you.  I do not give as the world gives.  Do not let your hearts be troubled and do not be afraid."  (John 14:1, 27).

So as the coming week approaches I will trust in God for his provision for Emily and my needs, I will remind myself of these passages of scripture and live and breathe them as they are a part of me rather than just words that I've read.  I praise God for who he is and for his grace.

Question.  How is your faith being tested at the moment?  What scripture has been your lifeline at the moment?

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